Before I had a baby, the main contact I had with children was vicariously through the clones of child obsessed mothers at work.
These clones of child obsessed mothers have only one topic of conversation ... their children. From the minute they conceive a little switch flips in their head that blocks out all other thoughts but that of the child and pregnancy.
Husbands and boyfriends turn into annoyances who serve no purpose other than to be a hindrance and are constantly complained about for "not helping out", "not understanding their needs" or heaven forbid "wanting sex!"
Any conversation about the evening or weekend turns into a list of achievements for their little darlings at ballet, football or school, or showing off about how many parties they have attended.
New recruits come in the form of unsuspecting expectant mothers who proudly announce their joyful news. The clones of child obsessed mothers flock round the victim to turn them into a clone as quickly as they can. The victim is bamboozled with a series of questions ...
How many weeks are you?
When are you due?
Was it planned?
How long were you trying?
The victim (soon to be cloned into a child obsessed mother) can not help but be flattered by the attention, and enjoy being a membed of this popular club. It is easy to get sucked in as an expectant mother. So much is happening to your body, life will never be the same again, it is good to have someone to talk to who has been through if before.
Some dads form their own child obsessed fathers club. I overheard one last week showing off to an expectant father about the performance of his newborns poo. He enthusiastically explained about the contence of his sons nappy from birth to present age of 6 months, including how the nappies leak, and how far up the babies back the poo travels.
These conversations are facinating for parents, however mean nothing to single folk, and must be depressing for anyone desperate for a baby but not fortunate to have one.
I try hard to resist the charms of the child obsessed mothers, doing my best to remember what it was like before i became a clone. I don't want every conversation i have to be about Little E. I am more than just a mother, i have a social life, a fabulous boyfriend, hobbies and crazy neighbours to talk about.
I would love to pretend that i am the perfect role model of a working mother, however i fail most days. Sometimes all i want to do is talk about Little E, what he said, what he ate, i even read out texts from the childminder telling me how long he slept for and if he snored! I make excuses to myself that it is not my fault. People should be honest and tell me i'm boring, but they don't. I get encouraging noises and requests to bring Little E into work to meet everyone.
Maybe it is time i was honest with myself, and admitted that i am a fully fledged signed up member of the group of child obsessed mothers, however i think i i will resist just a little bit longer if i can and keep living the lie.